July 16th, a date that has been engrained in my mind for almost four years. A date that was first filled with hope and one that quickly became filled with sorrow and disappointment. For years this day has been one that I struggled with what to do. We've spent this day in many ways, celebrating, grieving, ignoring the feelings, and feeling them all. But this year feels different, for so many years this was just a reminder of what could have been, one more tick in the box of what we had lost year after year. This year, there's a bittersweet tone to the season. One that holds hope but also honors what we've have missed.
Being almost halfway through my pregnancy during what should have been Baby O's 3rd birthday is a stark reminder that life is full of both/ands.
Pregnancy after loss is both crazy difficult and joyous. It's an experience that is complex to experience and explain.
I can be thankful for this absolute miracle to grow a child - one which I thought would never happen - and grieve the milestones I didn't get with Baby O.
This season provides opportunities to celebrate the milestones and more difficult opportunities to learn trust my body again.
There's part of me that wishes that I had the innocence of a pregnancy where anxiety didn't cover the days, but in reality the difficult road that we have had to travel to get to this point, the experience with Baby O included, brings so much sweetness to the season as well. I don't wish these feelings on anyone, but if you find yourself in a season of both/and, I encourage you to fight for that sweetness somehow, no matter how small.
Today, I sit with the reality that I hold one child in my heart and hopefully be able to hold one in my arms in a few short months. A difficult reality that will always be a part of our story but one that I will fight to hold space for.
All of this to say, Happy Birthday, Baby O. I wish that you were here to experience the excitement of this season with us, to love on your sister, and for us to soak up the last few months of only child snuggles. Despite all that has been lost, I deeply appreciate the lessons of priorities, and emotions, and grief, and so much more that you have taught us in such a short time of knowing you. Your grave has turned into more gardens than I could possibly ever count or imagine could have been possible.
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