After my last surgery one thing I was thankful for was for the fact that my "good side" still remained. My right side has always been my good side, the side I always wanted showing in pictures. After surgery #2 I was thankful I didn't have to change a thing. I could still hide my scar. I could just pose on the right and no one would know. I could pretend that all of these things didn't happen. But the date is set to chop my right side, my good side, too. I realize this sounds silly, maybe even super vain. You might think that I should be thankful that I am alive. That I am "healthy." That there's a way to fight my type of cancer. I honor and realize all those things, but I'm also a survivor that isn't able to hide her scars, all three of them soon.
I don't share this to get compliments on how my scars look now, or for you to tell me that I'll look just as beautiful when surgeons add another to protect my body. I share it to explain the depths of grief, loss, and processing that goes into something like this. I remember after my first surgery, I had a simple 1 inch scar at the base of my neck. I was so self conscious about it and tried to find ways to hide it, I applied scar cream religiously just hoping it would make it go away as much as possible. Now it's mostly faded and I have a second scar that is much more difficult to hide. Funny how things work, right? There's times I feel like they make me look like a badass, but there's also times I wish I could hide them and hide the battles I've fought from the world. Sometimes you just want to not be noticed when you're running a quick errand or trying to look your best for whatever reason. It's hard to accept that "my best" now comes with not only visible scars, but invisible ones, too.
I'm still wrestling through how to feel about a lot of things on this journey, but I do know as much as I've eagerly awaited this day being set in stone, I simultaneously dreaded it also. There's a lot of feelings wrapped up in the reality that we are finally here, for real this time. While the 21st can't come soon enough, I'd also be okay if time slows down the next week and a half. If you'd like to follow along with how things are going, well (mostly Dilan) be posting on our CaringBridge website instead of here to keep people in the loop and share ways to support us if needed. You can sign up for email updates or just check in every now and then. As we prep for a road trip that could lead us one more step to moving on from the last three years, I would appreciate prayers for safety both traveling and during surgery/recovery, prayers for comfort in the midst of difficult feelings and a difficult recovery, prayers that my vocal cords fare better than last time, and prayers that this next step could help us move forward and not back.
I'm thankful for what I've gained these last few years, yet I'm still grieving what I've lost. I'm hopeful for the future, yet skeptical of a positive outcome. I'm joyful, yet stuck in the depths of despair and frustration. I know there's a difficult possibility of me never being considered "cancer free," but I hope that if there's only one time in my life that the saying "3rd times a charm" can be true for us moving forward and taking a break from this cycle, I pray it's now.
