Let's just say my 20's haven't panned out like I thought they should. As I share this, one more layer of the plan I've still fought over and over for is not panning out like I thought it should have. As I share this, I should be in the warmer state of Texas. As I share this, I should be sharing my pre-surgery blog post that I've had written for months. As I share this, I should be experiencing what I hoped was the last step in healing. As I share this, I should be in a deep sleep with my neck open on an operating table with skilled surgeons dissecting what is left of the cancer that's made a stubborn home in my body. Now don't get me wrong... that doesn't sound great in itself, but that experience meant one more hope of an end to a trying 2+ year journey.
But instead the journey continues. Last week at my pre-op appointment, my surgeon started the conversation by asking "What do you think about postponing surgery?" I looked at her and teared up... and replied, "Honestly, I'm just ready to get this over with." Her question was literally the last thing I was expecting her to ask. I walked into the appointment worried about where my scar might be and the regulations for visitors, not about how I would react when my plans got turned upside down once again. I was so prepared. I had sub plans written for my recovery time. I had been working to mentally prepare myself better than last time. I had figured out where I needed help in the weeks to come. I prayed for strength for recovery. We had made so many plans to cover all of our bases and having to cancel all of those causes grief in itself.
The reasoning behind it is sound, but the hurt behind it is real. My previously paralyzed vocal cord is working at 60%-70% capacity, which is a huge improvement from where it was a year ago, but not working well enough to compensate for a possible right vocal cord injury after surgery. What started as mostly a voice issue after my last surgery could quickly turn into a breathing issue after this surgery if the right vocal cord was compromised - which is likely since many of the lymph nodes that need to come out of the area are near the vocal cord.
The lymph nodes are stable but are also still super small... which is usually a good thing... but not when they are so small that seeing what is nerve vs. tissue vs. cancer vs. scar tissue is easier said than done.
Waiting even longer seems to be counterproductive when we are talking about cancer, but in this case even though I fought making the decision to postpone with every fiber of my being, it's the right call. We're not sure what the timeline looks like or when we'll figure that out, all we know is that I'm not going under the knife today.
The whys are many, the questions are rampant, the hope is quieted, the excitement of this season coming to an end is silenced once again. There is still so much processing that needs to happen about the reality we face. I have no positive outlook or big reflection to share. One day there might be a story to tell or a lesson from the frustrations and waiting, but right now the lesson seems so far from over.
So, here we are once again, fighting through the disappointments. Fighting to make time for healing. Fighting to feel the difficult emotions instead of ignore them. Fighting to make the most of the altered plans and learning what living through the heartache can look like.
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