I know, a kiddie (or in this case doggie) pool full of rocks doesn’t belong in the front yard. But that’s where it’s lived the past two summers. An eye sore that sat as a reminder of a project started and never finished, one that I felt shame about anytime I would see it. Why can’t I just finish it? Why did I even think I could start?
See, I started this project what seems like a lifetime ago. It was the summer after my first thyroid surgery and radioactive iodine treatment. I had the summer off for the first time in 10+ years. I didn’t know what to do with my time, I didn’t have a job, no set plans, my life had just been turned upside down, and felt I couldn’t move forward with my dreams. I was floundering, but I wanted a change... so the front yard it was. There began the pool and rock situation. In the broken mindset I was in, logically I thought the first step is to put the rocks in the kiddie pool as a way of getting them out of the way. That should have been the first red flag that things weren't going well. Why the heck didn’t I put them in a wheelbarrow?
Needless to say, after shoveling river rocks into the pool my body gave out. Turns out the adrenaline of a cancer diagnosis runs out at some point and reality hits. For me that was during this project. My body said STOP. I fought with my all not listen, but when your body doesn’t physically work it’s hard to keep going. It took me days to recover from that, and that was only one pool full... there were many more to go.
So there the pool sat for two summers. I thought, I’ll do it next summer. Then “next” summer turned into cancer round 3 and while I had a bit more stamina physically, mentally I did not. And so the pool sat as a shameful reminder of yet another something I couldn’t do.
Dilan could have done it on his own, or we could have easily hired someone to finish the project, but deep down I think we both knew that it needed to be a "me" thing. While that pool has been cramping our front yard style and growing grass, Dilan has been nothing but supportive of my eventual plan to make the front look presentable.
These are the things that are hard to share about a cancer diagnosis or chronic illness. It's hard to share the seemingly mundane things that you should be able to do, but just can't that day or that year. And the anxiety and depression that sneak their way into the cycle of the "not right nows" of healing. When I was diagnosed, I thought it would be easy. One more box to check and move on with life. And for some it is, but as you all know I didn't get that end of the deal.
Now, 1.5 years out from my last surgery, 2 years from the start of the front yard project, my body and mind have had time to heal. I'm living my first summer in awhile of just living, no intense physical healing, no prepping for scary doctor visits, just living in the midst of the waiting. And damn is that a nice change.
All this to say, the front yard is finally done. And I cried tears of joy as I sat at that red table this morning in realization of how far I’ve come. How much I’ve healed and knowing that even though I have a road of healing still ahead of me, the little wins (or big win I feel in this case) should be celebrated. To many this might look like an afternoon project with nothing to it, but to me it’s one more reminder that healing is possible and the difficult work to make it happen is worth it, joy is possible to find, seasons change and aren’t forever, and sometimes you just have to let the pool sit to allow healing to happen.
And Benson, thank you for letting me borrow your pool the last two summers. It’s all your's now 😘
