Rest. I find rest hard. I am constantly in go mode. But if you didn’t already guess this, you can’t constantly be in go mode when you’re recovering from a major surgery that takes an essential piece of your body out. Especially when that piece of your body effects so many things that your body does.
I cannot begin to express my thankfulness for all of the support I’ve received throughout the last weeks. Messages before and after surgery, cards, prayers, flowers, gift cards, meals, phone calls, and people checking in on myself and my family has meant the world to me. It has made the gravity of this situation easier to handle and recovery an easier process to handle for this go-go-goer.
Today, I start week three of getting used to my new normal. I’m getting used to a new medicine regimen, hoping that my hormones get themselves figured out at some point, and beginning to work through the healing process physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m trying to be honest with myself that I have a long way to go. I have a lot of emotions to sit in and work through, not only from this but also the miscarriage I’m still processing. And no doubt a lot more to learn along the way.
There’s so much I could share about my journey the past few weeks, but here’s a few highlights of pre-surgery, surgery, and recovery if you’re curious.
Pre-Surgery
The Monday and Tuesday before surgery, I shared with my students what was going on. Honestly, they were one of the hardest groups of people to share this news with. These kids have been through so much this year and have been so resilient, this was the last thing I wanted to spring on them. They had questions, definitely some typical, blunt middle school ones like “are you going to die?” but also some that sparked conversations that I will treasure forever.
The week prior to my surgery was a whirlwind. I kept going with my normal and I don’t really think the reality of everything hit me until I went home from school on Friday.
I selfishly did my best to keep myself busy that weekend so I could postpone dealing with my feelings. But this year I’ve been focused on intentionally dwelling in my feelings (because I suck at dealing with emotions) and by Sunday I realized that I needed to take time to sit in my feelings because I was finding myself too anxious to do anything else. It’s amazing what happens when you sit in a few moments of silence, prayer, and stillness. Sensations of thankfulness, fear, grace for myself, frustration, and ironically peace consumed me.
Surgery
I was scheduled to go in for surgery at 12:30, but they called me early, so it’s a good thing I didn’t work that morning like I told Dilan I was originally going to do 😉
As far as the surgery went, short story – it was a success.
Long story, it was an experience like no other. When the surgical hospital called to go over protocols with me the day before, they told me that no one could come in with me until I was in my room after surgery. COVID protocols are nothing new, but the ones at the surgical hospital were the hardest mentally I’ve head to deal with over the last year. I had to check in, sit in the waiting room, and go through pre-op prep by myself. Everyone at the surgical hospital was great, extremely caring, comforting, and helpful throughout my entire experience. But there’s something unpleasant about going through the scariest moments with your family in the parking lot instead of the chair next to you.
It took a bit longer than originally thought due to the surgeon taking the time to avoid aggravating a nerve in my neck (SUPER thankful for this as it made recovery a bit easier).
The surgeon ended up removing my entire thyroid as planned and a few lymph nodes that looked suspicious. Both sides of my thyroid and all of the lymph nodes he removed came back as cancerous.
Turns out I had two tumors instead of just the one they found originally. The one they biopsied on the left side of my thyroid was the size of a walnut. The one they found on the right side of my thyroid was about an inch in diameter. I told Dilan that I was probably having issues swallowing and just never realized it since the growth of the tumors was so gradual. Taking pills seems to be a little easier without a pair of golfballs in my neck.
Recovery
I spent one night in the hospital and was able to go home Tuesday night. I never do well with anesthesia so the first couple of days were rough on my body and even though I was crazy hungry for real food, I was battling with nausea and a migraine. Not to mention the fact that after you have surgery on your neck, it’s pretty dang uncomfortable to eat for a few days. As the week progressed I continued to feel better as my body started to adjust to its new normal. Dilan was a trooper during this time and a great nurse and caregiver – even when I was extremely needy and loopy.
Fun fact: you use your neck muscles for more than you think. Trying to sit up? Neck muscles. Washing your hair? Neck muscles. Putting on socks? Neck muscles. Brushing your teeth? A lot of neck muscles. Sneezing? ALL OF THE NECK MUSCLES.
I took a week off from school, which was nerve wracking in itself because the most I’ve ever been gone was 3 days in a row, but everyone at school including my awesome sub was great. I’ve been so lucky to be in that building throughout my entire teaching career and this week was no different.
The week of recovery was good for resting – I promise I did it! Hanging out with loved ones, and eating some good food (thank goodness for meal trains!)
I went back to work last week. It was good to be back in a normal routine and to see my students and co-workers. I was surprised by a get well soon poster with notes from my kids and coworkers – talk about a teary start to my day!
Teaching is exhausting normally, but even more so when your body is all bent outta shape. I will say I definitely took advantage of using the audiobook for our new novel study since talking a ton still makes me a little sore.
Everything looked good at my post-op follow up. My doctor said that my scar was healing extremely well, it was good we got it all out, and we would get the next step of radioactive iodine treatment in the works. Dilan’s hoping I get some crazy cool super powers from that. Me on the other hand, I’d be ecstatic if this whole thyroid mess just helped me with my stinky feet problem!
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Hopefully that wasn’t TMI, but I truly appreciate you reading about the journey I’m on. Thank you for letting me be real with you all and share more than just my highlight real. This might not be where I pictured myself at 25, but the last few months have given me a new perspective on many things.
I’m tired.
I’m emotional.
I’m struggling to work through the past few months of trauma.
I’m over waiting and being patient.
I’m tired of bad news.
But through it all, I realize I’m learning and growing.
I’m learning to give myself grace. And it’s HARD, incredibly hard.
I’m learning to lean more on others and place my faith in God instead of just my own plan.
I’m learning how to heal emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
I’m learning to wait in the chaos.
I’m soaking in gratefulness for doctors who not only know what they are doing, but are caring while they do it.
I’m slowly getting back to my normal – which I’m realizing might have a few hiccups to it as my body gets back to normal.
I’m learning to actually feel my emotions and work through them effectively.
And most importantly, as chaotic and struggle filled as this season is – I’m thanking my lucky stars that I’m here today.
